


Apnoea

by AnxiousBabyNightmare



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Sleepless nights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-04 13:47:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15842538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiousBabyNightmare/pseuds/AnxiousBabyNightmare
Summary: Virgil is having sleepless nights. He knows everyone else is struggling with their own problems. Can he bring himself to tell them? More importantly, does he have the strength left to hide it from them?Pairings: Platonic LAMP. Could be romantic if you interpret it that wayWarnings: Mention of depression, anxiety and stress. Might be eventual angst but will be resolved by a large amount of fluff (I promise)





	1. Chapter 1

Virgil rolled over to his other side, frustrated by the fact that his mind wouldn’t let him drift off into slumber. He faced the facts, anxious fears were not uncommon for him, neither were sleepless nights. But on rare occasions there were nights, like this one, where his head wasn’t filled with anything, it was all just blank. Nothingness. These nights scared him the most.

‘If there’s nothing wrong then why am I awake?’

‘I’m so tired’.

So.

Tired.

He looked at his alarm clock. 5:03 am. This would have to be his last attempt. He closed eyes once more and completed his breathing exercises. Four. Seven. Eight. Four. Seven. Eight. Soon his consciousness began to seep away. He felt the world begin to spin around him.

He was shaking.

It wasn’t cold,

Virgil hated being cold at night. The day the others found out about this Patton made sure to put the heating on a timer at night so Virgil no longer suffered in silence.

‘He felt so cold though.’

DiD hE fOrGeT?

‘No, Patton wouldn’t forget.’

WoUlD hE?

‘God, why is he sweating?’

It felt as though his mind was no longer attached to his body. He was floating. He felt sick.

‘What is this?’

Why…

Why? 

‘I just want to sleep’.

 

 

 

His heart stopped.

 

 

 

His body shot up as he gasped for air, his hand clenched the cloth around his chest as his wide eyes surveyed the room for any danger. His wardrobe was still closed (he could never sleep if he could see the pitch blackness escaping through). Cobwebs still decorated the corners of the room, his floor was littered with his clothes as well as the black cat cushion which had fallen off his bed. 

His bedside table held the same items as well. A small basic lamp, a framed card from one of his few positive memories, and a neatly folded purple jacket. There were was also some glaring numbers. 5.10 a.m.

His breathing gradually plateaued and he smiled sadly. Seven minutes of sleep. ‘I guess that’s better than nothing’ he chuckled bitterly to himself.

He tried to shake off the heavy feeling around his eyes. He was sure any other attempt at sleep would be futile. He switched his lamp on and went over to his wardrobe to remove a bath towel. He then grabbed his jacket and some random clothes from the floor and tiptoed his way to the shower.

Before he switched the light on he made sure the ventilation in the bathroom was off, some condensation was worth not waking the others with the noise of the fan. He hit the switch and braced himself for the blinding light. He turned on the shower and stared at himself in the mirror as he waited for it to run hot. His face really did look worse for wear. He removed the hair that was matted to his temple for a closer inspection. His eyes drooped and refused to remain fully open, even when he splashed cold water on his face. His cheeks were red from the sweating and hyperventilation, but his lips were chapped from the cold chills he’d been feeling.

Was there something wrong with him? His heart. Did it actually stop beating? His hand clenched his chest again. He could hear the gently thudding against his ribcage. Well, it was there now, so what happened? He gripped the edges of the sink and shook his head, there was no point dwelling on it now, he couldn’t solve it on his own. He knew that. Yet…

 

He removed the oversized t-shirt he always slept in and stepped into the shower. He let himself have a single thought before he was overcome by the warm embrace of the water. ‘Do I actually have the guts to tell the others?’


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is having sleepless nights. He knows everyone else is struggling with their own problems. Can he bring himself to tell them? More importantly, does he have the strength left to hide it from them?

It was 7:15 when Patton’s alarm went off. He moaned slightly before reluctantly sitting up in his bed. Today was one of those days it seemed. He stared at the objects in his room for a second before casting his head down. ‘Not today. If you’re feeling like this then being reminded of those times…’

He shook off the thought and spun his legs out of the bed, finally silencing the alarm as he hopped up and stretched. He removed his onesie and tossed it onto his bed. And then bounded over to his chest of drawers. He selected clean underwear and trousers and then dressed in his usual shirt and cardigan, which were always hung on the back of his chair. He picked up his glasses and placed them on as he left his room and made towards the bathroom. 

As he opened the door he gasped as his glasses fogged from the steam. He entered the room slightly puzzled. He reached for the fan cord and switched it on. After a few minutes, the room cleared and Patton noted the fresh water drops on the shower door. ‘That’s strange’ he mused. Patton was always the first out of bed. Although the others understood that he wasn’t as happy as he made out to be and wanted to help he insisted that breakfast duty was purely his, as he found the sensation of cooking for the others quite relaxing. Sure the early rises were sometimes a hassle but it was worth it to see their grateful faces each day, it was also an excuse to be out of his room for as long as possible.

‘You’re off track Patton. Right, the water, what was that about?’ Perhaps Roman had a late shower last night? He tended to lose track of time while perfecting his latest plans and forgets to do basic things like eating and cleaning. But that wouldn’t explain why the fan was off…

Patton bit his lip in thought, then just shrugged. ‘I can just ask when he wakes up. Now I better get ready. Water you waiting for Patton?’

“Haha. Water” He chuckled to himself as he closed the bathroom door. 

***

It was 7:45 when Patton made his way downstairs in order to make breakfast. He turned into the kitchen with a skip in his step. He opened the cupboards and removed all the ingredients he needed. He took a large breath and began with the usual routine:

First was the coffee. Logan enjoyed the brewed variety and so that needed to be done first to give it time. Logan came down for breakfast every day at 8:30 on the dot.

Next came making the pancake batter. Eggs. Milk. Flour. Baking Powder. Patton hummed to himself the tune from the TV as he began mixing the ingredients together. Once completed he left the bowl next to the stove as he went to the fridge to find the fruit. Roman liked his pancakes with blueberries and lemon juice. Logan opted either to have them with bananas and syrup or, more commonly, spread with Crofters. Virgil was kind of a wild card when it came to pancakes. Some days it’s peanut butter, other times he’d eat them plain. One time he was still half asleep and poured his coffee all over the plate. Patton chuckled to himself as he put a variety of toppings on the tray just in case. Since Patton made his own pancakes last he added chocolate chips to the batter!

The song on the TV changed and Patton squealed as it was one he had heard before. He began to sing along loudly, though his serenade didn’t last long as he heard a sudden gasp from the living room.

Patton paused for a second. He hadn’t turned on the TV on his way down. He usually had the radio on when he cooked breakfast so the noise hadn’t struck him straight away as odd. Patton looked in through the kitchen opening to see a huddle of blankets sitting on the sofa. Curiosity piqued his interest as he started calling names:

“Logan?” 

No response.

“Roman?” No response.

“Virgil?”

No response.

“…Kiddo?”

“Eh?” A weary voice emanated from the figure. Patton let out a little snicker. Virgil wasn’t really an early bird. He tended to be the last one of them to come down for breakfast, somewhere around 10, and even then he was very dreary and easily annoyed, a fact which Roman had learned the hard way.

“Geez kiddo you gave your old dad a scare then.” Patton called from the kitchen “I was on the Virge of death!”

There was a five-second pause.

“Heh.”

Patton raised an eyebrow to that response. Although tried Virgil was always vigilant enough to catch one of his jokes, well at least quicker than that. He also tended to smirk rather something that vocal, or that… dry.

“Anyway, you’re up pretty early, you sure you don’t wanna lie down there for a quick snoozy-pooze before the others come down?”

There was another pause.

“M’good. watching .” Virgil responded in a slurred manner as he pointed to the television.

Patton’s head tilted slightly. Looks like it was one of those days for Virgil as well.

“Well if you say so kiddo. Let’s hang out after breakfast though, okay?” Patton answered, returning to the task at hand.

No response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! I don’t know why but Patton just seems the type of person to say phrases like ‘snoozy-pooze.’


	3. Chapter 3

The sound of the 8 o'clock morning news rung throughout Logan’s room as he woke up in a daze. He had just had the most peculiar dream. He was standing next to a huge oak tree in the middle of the forest. He stared up and admired the canopy that stretched above him. Suddenly there was a noise, he turned around to see three animals staring at him. There stood a bear, a lion and a… whale? Before he could question the presence of the aquatic mammal all three jumped and began charging at him. Sensing danger he fled further into the forest. He understood he couldn’t outrun them forever but as he looked at himself he realised he was slowly morphing into a cat. Despite this, he soon ran out of earth and was staring down a cliff face. He heard a familiar growl and as he spun around once more… he woke up.

The dream was certainly unusual and Logan determined it was worth investigation. He made his bed and walked over to his closet. He selected the clothes he wished to wear and step by step removed his pyjamas, folding them neatly on the floor before replacing them with their day-time counterpart. He then moved his folded nightwear onto the pillow of his bed before moving to his desk.

He quickly opened his laptop and entered his password. His ears piqued as he listened in on the current news story of another mass shooting. He tutted and made a mental note to read up on it later. He typed into his Firefox browser ‘chasing: symbolism in dreams’

A few seconds he received his answer: Getting chased almost always means you’re just feeling in danger or under pressure. You might need to look at what’s stressing you out most in life.

“Huh. Well that’s peculiar” he muttered to himself as he tried again

‘Animals: symbolism in dreams’ - Animals can usually be linked to survival or the instinct to keep going no matter how difficult things are. It can mean you’re holding things back that you should express

What?

‘Forest: symbolism in dreams’ - Being lost in a forest or the woods in a dream may symbolize being lost or confused – you need to trust your instincts to find your way out, or you may be exploring your unconscious to “find yourself”

What?

‘Whales: symbolism in dreams.’ - Whales usually represent a big event in your life or a strong feeling of solitude

Logan slams the laptop shut and readjusts his glasses. ‘It was just a dream, the subconscious doesn’t have any relation to the real world.’ Apart from all those studies, particularly that of Malinowski who suggests that suppressed emotions-

‘No’.

Yes.

‘No, I don’t have feelings. Therefore that is impossible. This argument is inconsequential. ’

Logan stood up and looked at the time. 8:25 a.m. He should depart now for breakfast. He picked up his tie which was hanging on the doorknob, took a quick breath and left his room. 

***

“Ah, salutations Patton” Logan greeted the moral side as he entered the room.

Patton, who was already pouring the brewed coffee into two mugs raised his head and smiled.

“Sultanas right back at you Logan. On time as usual” Patton gleamed.

Logan raised a finger about to object but Patton had already returned to the coffee so he opted to let that one slide. He walked over to the table and sat in his usual seat. Patton soon walked over and handed Logan his coffee.

“Much appreciated Patton.”

He smiled sweetly “No problem. Would you like something to eat before the pancakes are ready?”

“Some toast and Crofters would be…” Logan quickly pulled out his cards from his pocket and sifted through them “…del-ish”

Patton let out a snort “coming right up buddy!”

“By the way Patton, what is with the second cup of coffee? You hardly ever drink it and…” Logan stood up quickly to peer into the cup “I always imagined you would have yours creamy with sugar, not black.”

“Oh, this isn’t for me. It’s for Virgil.”

“Virgil?”

Patton pointed to the sofa where for the first time Logan noticed a mound of blankets who he now assumed to be his fellow trait Anxiety.

“Ah apologies Virgil I didn’t notice you there. Good morning.”

A pause.

“Mornin’” Virgil murmured

Logan’s gaze returned to Patton in confusion. Morality simply shrugged

“He was up earlier than I was. I think he isn’t having a great day.”

“Well, how can we assume that the day hasn’t ev-” Logan caught himself realising that now may not be the best time to correct the statement. “Ah, I see. Well then perhaps some coffee will lighten his spirits.” Logan smiled gently, a smile which Patton returned.

“Let’s hope so. A day without my usual kiddo would be simply ghastly.”

Logan paused before the sentence entirely clicked “Ah. Spirits and ghastly. Word association. Understood.”

“Or pokemon.” Virgil commented quietly as he received a mug from Patton. He quickly chugged the fluids before returning to stare blankly at the TV screen.

Logan marvelled at the sight and sighed sadly. He always hated seeing Virgil like this, but he wasn’t an emotional being. He could be of little help.

‘But then what is this strange feeling in my stomach?’


	4. Chapter 4

‘Chant des Oiseaux’ echoed throughout the room as the Prince rose from his peaceful slumber. Roman yawned loudly as he removed his eye mask and basked in the light that was shining through his imaginary window. It was currently 8.00 am and in the distance, he could hear the slightly muffled, monotonous tone of a news report in his brother’s room. He sighed and raised the volume of his own alarm clock to drown out the noises of the real world. **  
**

_The real world was dreary, grey, boring and-_

Roman flinched as he walked past his desk, he turned his head slightly to see the mountain of scrunched paper and broken pencils. He was helping Thomas on a new project and, well….

_The real world was also very difficult._

He flicked his hand and decided to ignore that quest until later, for now, he had his regimen to complete!

He started with squats. It was important for a Prince’s behind to be as spectacular as his fore…hind. He moved from his arms stretches to his legs and back and then finally to his vocals. His alarm had gone to snooze at this point and wouldn’t go off again until Roman needed to grace the others with his presence.

He continued to sing ‘Bonjour Belle’ as he waltzed to his walk-in closet. He removed his underwear that he slept in and began the arduous task of picking an outfit.

“What colour sash?”

                                                                                                       _Red, of course._

“And what colour shall my lapels and accents be?”

                                                                                                       _Gold, as usual._

“And how about my-”

                                                                                    **You’re so original Princey.**

The thought brought his world spinning out of control. Roman grabbed the side of the wardrobe’s frame, reeling over the sudden cold chill.  _‘Breathe dear, breathe. You’re doing fine. You’re exactly as Thomas needs you. Thomas **needs**  you.’_

He smiled slightly at the thought. He always felt he was the only one of the four brothers who had Thomas’ best interests at heart, but over the last few videos and discussions with their host, he realised that his ideals sometimes got in the way of the, well… real world. It had sent him for a loop in terms of his place, but with the help of the others, he was slowly rediscovering who he was. This, of course, had no impact on his fabulous way of life!

He blinked as his world halted to a stop, he felt tears drop from his chin, which gave him a slight shock. He took a deep breath and decided that a shower was now really required. No one likes a sweaty prince after all. He put on some fresh boxers and picked up his selected outfit and a towel.

As he left the wardrobe and bounded towards the door, he noted the time was 8:40. Good, that left his plenty of time before he needed to be downstairs. He stepped out into the hall and opened the bathroom door, which was directly in front of his own.

 _‘That’s odd.’_  He thought to himself  _‘Someone had a shower before I did.’_

***

“Never fear sevens, your ten is here” Roman dramatically posed at the bottom of the bannister.

Patton began jumping and clapping in glee while Logan placed down his Crofters and toast in order to protest “How many times do I have to explain that makes no sen-”

“Shut it infinite-dismal. I wear it better.”

Logan groaned and returned to his food. Patton, who now in the kitchen shouted through “Can I get you anything Roman?”

“The liquid spoils from your match against the zestiest of foes please dear Patton!” Roman declared.

“Fresh orange juice it is!”

“Technically that line could have been interpreted as the juice of any citrus fruit. Makrut Limes are actually considered to have the most ze-” Logan began to exhale another factoid but Roman soon placed his finger on his lips and hushed at him “… I don’t know why I bother.”

Patton chuckled as he entered with Roman’s juice “Don’t worry Logan, you’ll get him next time.”

“Thank-you Pat-”

“I wish you the  **zest**  of luck”

“…”

“Anyway!” Patton ignored the angry glare of Logan and offered the glass of juice to Roman “I’ll get started on the pancakes!”

“Pancakes already? But you don’t start until Sleeping Despite the Sirens has crawled his way down.” Roman inquired.

Instead of receiving a verbal response, both Logan and Patton pointed to behind Roman without missing a beat. As he turned he found a zoned out Virgil staring blankly at the TV screen.

“Ah, I see. You know Virgil you’re supposed to greet people when we commune in the morning.”

There was a long pause.

“…hey…”

“What kind of morning greeting is that?” Roman boasted. “You’re supposed to give me para-more, not para-less!”

A pause “…heh.”

“Are you sick or something?” Roman peered down to give Virgil’s face a closer inspection.  _‘Well, he doesn’t look pale…wait.’_

“Doesn’t?”

Virgil had yet to put on his makeup and was in fact now only slightly paler than the others’ complexion.  _‘But why has he put on his eyeshadow and not his founda-… waaaait.’_

_‘ **Was**  that eyeshadow?’_

_‘It was not as dark as it usually is. Had he gone back to pencil? But what would be the purpose of that? Are those… his actual bags?’_

“Virgil…” Roman whispered with concern. His mouth slightly agape and his eyes wide. For the first time, Virgil turned his head and looked at him. He looked so tired. Soon his face contorted into one of realization, before turning again into one of…. fear.

“Please…” Virgil pleaded softly. He sounded so desperate. “Please don’t pre-”

“Pancake TIME!” Patton shouted. Roman snapped his head around to see Patton triumphantly holding a stack of pancakes and a tray of toppings.

By the time Roman turned back to Virgil the side had already stood up and was making his way to the table. Roman picked himself up as well and with a sigh of resignation, followed him.

“What was that you said earlier Roman? You said ‘doesn’t’ and then completely stopped.” Logan inquired as Roman took his seat.

“Ah. did I say that out loud? It wasn’t anything, don’t worry” Roman forced a smile as he reached for the blueberries and lemon juice.


	5. Chapter 5

The four sides sat around the table and began eating their pancakes. Patton and Logan were making light conversation together about the news, while Roman was listening half-heartedly, his eyes still affixed on the younger side. Virgil was slowly eating his pancakes, cutting off tiny chunks, dragging it through the melted butter and tentatively placing it into his mouth. **  
**

Now, Virgil was never a huge or boisterous eater, if he was Roman would have likely have teased him for it, but this behaviour was painstakingly slow. Roman narrowed his eyes as he stared more intensely at Virgil’s face. _‘Were those freckles? Dear lord the angsty lord had adorable freckles. I cannot dea- right, right. Focus on the important things, leave the details to later.’_  The bags under his eyes were puffy and dark, the creases truly added years onto his face. His eyes were slightly bloodshot and his lips seemed shrivelled and dry.

It only just occurred to Roman how much he really knew about Virgil’s face. But then again he cared deeply about all of his fam **ily** , so perhaps it wasn’t that odd? Also. They all had the same face. That too.

Roman’s trail of thought was suddenly disrupted as a hand was waved an inch from his eyes. He let out a little yelp before turning to Patton who was grinning from ear to ear.

“Wow Roman. Are you sure Virgil isn’t Prince Charming? You seemed pretty  **charmed** by him then!”

Roman coughed shyly before responding “Panic at the Everywhere and Charming? Why the two words belong less in a sentence together than the words ‘Roman’ and ‘straig-”

“By the way Roman, how goes Thomas’ latest project?”

Roman froze at Logan’s interjection. Work should really be a barred topic for the dinner table.

He cleared his throat again “It’s going… smoothly. Thanks for the interruption by the way. Your sense of timing is truly impec-”

“Your answer didn’t really exude your normal confidence.” Logan replied, “Are you sure you would not like some assistance?”

Roman clenched his fist. This was not going to be a conversation he would enjoy.

***

“I’m curious about your progress” Logan retorts, then begins flipping his cards once more “soooo- sue me!”

“Guys and Dolls. Nice one” Patton attempted to emit some positivity into the situation. The two sides had now been arguing for a good five minutes, but all of Patton’s attempts to draw the two warring sides’ attention had failed. He turned to Virgil who had been silent throughout the endeavour.  “ha ha… hey Virgil? Kiddo, can you help me out here?”

His plea once again fell on deaf ears as Virgil was still hypnotised by the pancake piece he’d been swirling around his plate.

_‘Move’_

“Unintentional references aside” Roman barked “That doesn’t dismiss the point that this project is my quest alone. Logic has nothing to do with it.”

“Logic is applicable to all situations.” Logan protested “If your head wasn’t constantly in the clouds perhaps you’d have gotten further with it!”

“You don’t know that I haven’t made any progress!…”

_‘You need to move’_

“…and logic would only ground my efforts. I need to be in the clouds. That’s where rainbows are found after all.”

“Good Jeeves, does everything have to be a gay joke with you?”

“So what? You’re not exactly as straight as a ruler are you?”

**_‘Move. Now.’_ **

“A ruler needs to be straight to perform its function, what has that got to d-”

“Don’t take things so literally pocket protractor”

“Don’t interrupt me!”

“You were interrupting me first!”

**_‘You lazy sack of shit. They need you. WaKe uP aNd HeLp ThEm!’_ **

“Kiddos, this really isn’t as big of a de-” Patton implored, his hands offered out to the others.

“SHUT UP!” They screamed in response. The noise was loud enough to stir Virgil whose head shot up in time to see Patton back away from the table slightly, tears forming in his eyes.

“What?” Virgil stated, his voice fogged with confusion.

“Nice going Logan, you made Patton cry!”

“You’re just as responsible for that as I am! And he was interrupting the debate anyway.”

“This isn’t a debate, it’s an argument.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is! I’m angry at you for sticking your nose in my business and now I’m shouting!”

“It’s not an argument.”

“And why’s that?” Roman questioned, his voice filled with sarcasm.

“Synonyms of an argument in modern regards include ‘squabble’ and ‘feud’. These words are emotionally charged, usually with anger. I don’t get angry, it’s a messy feeling”

Roman recoiled slightly, perhaps in shock, perhaps in pain. He whispered next “Don’t you care?”

“You’ll have to be more specific Roman.”

“I’m angry. Don’t you care that I’m angry?”

Logan’s head tilted slightly “so long as it doesn’t impact your efficiency or has an effect on Thomas you may ‘feel’ what you please.”

“Guy-” Virgil began but was stopped by Roman who held his hand out at him to halt.

“You have feelings Logan”

“That is incorrect.”

“Don’t deny it. I’ve seen you get angry before. I’ve seen you smile, laugh, cry.” Roman spat out his words as Logan’s hand clenched the table 

“Don’t hide behind facts or figures” Logan closed his eyes 

“Emotions aren’t a weakness. Only when you bottle them up as you do, do they cause harm.” His breathing became jagged as he clenched his teeth. “Me, Virgil and Patton, we’re all feelings. Don’t try and shut us out. You have feelings, Logan, stop being stupid and jus-”

 

A deafening crack echoed to the side of Roman’s face. 

 

 

He turned quickly to see broken ceramics and pancakes splattered on the wall behind him. He turned back to the table to see Patton with his hands over his face, sobbing loudly, Virgil whose eyes were wide but remained muted, and Logan, who was still holding the end animation of throwing a plate at Roman.

…

The pause seemed to last an eternity. But eventually Logan stood up tall, readjusted his glasses and stated:

“I’m not angry.”

And with that, he left.

As the front door slammed close Roman allowed the shivers to take over him.  _‘Was this his fault? Should he have just told the truth? Why, Why is he so stubborn? Just ask for help you stupid. **USLESS**.’_  the shivers soon turned to sobs, his body racking to try and hold it all in. He looked up, Patton’s eyes had gone cold, Virgil was still staring at him, his mouth agape, as if he wanted to say something but the words simply wouldn’t come out.

Roman shook his head and ran up the stairs.

“Why today? Not today….” Patton started to babbling to himself “Another bad memory, another thing to… to.”

“Patton?” Virgil spoke, his voice hoarse and strained. Patton responded to the noise and stared at Virgil before smiling bitterly.

“Oh. Hey, kiddo. Where were you when all that happened, huh?”

Patton also stood and made his way to his room.

**‘They’re all broken. Thanks to you.’**

_‘Yeah, I know.’_  Virgil sighed as he stood from the table.

**‘Why do you have to be so useless?’**

_‘Yeah. I know’_ Virgil responded to his inside voice as he picked up the broken plate and pancakes from the floor

**‘Fix this.’**

_‘How? Am I strong enough?’_  he pondered as he washed the breakfast dishes.

**‘You don’t get to rest until the others are okay. That’s your curse.’**

The room no longer had any sign of the dispute. Virgil picked up his coat from the hanger.

_‘I know.’_


	6. Chapter 6

Logan removes his glasses and pinched his nose, the hypertension in his forehead was worsening. He really wasn’t sure what came over him this morning. He almost hurt Roman. Hurt his family.

The gentle quacking of the ducks brought him out from his train of thought. He had walked away from their house in order to think and was currently sitting in the local park Thomas used to go to. He smiled sadly as the ducks enjoyed their swim, a pang of jealousy in his chest.

 

              **Jealous over a duck? How desperate are you?**

 

Well, yes. To both questions. The ducks were free. They didn’t have the cognitive abilities to overanalyse, to be pedantic. They don’t have a care in the world. Well, bar the worry over other ducks. They can be pretty… frisky with one another.

He laughed dryly to himself. Perhaps it’s his turn to ‘duck out’ of the mindscape.

“Quack?” Logan jumped at the sudden noise. He turned to his left to see that the call emanated from Virgil, who was standing next to the bench, wearing his black trenchcoat and army boots.

He smiles down at him gently “Mind if I sit with you for a bit?”

Logan nods and Virgil sits a couple of inches away from him, he looks out towards the pond with a fond look on his face, Logan follows suite.

“You know the mindscape really is an amazing place. So long as Thomas has a memory of it we can travel to any location.” Virgil muses “We should convince him to come out here and feed the ducks again. I’d hate for him to forget about this. He hasn’t done it since he was a kid”

Logan doesn’t respond, he simply hunches over, clasps his hands and continues to stare out at the scenery. Virgil breathes out and steels himself:

“How are you feeling, Logan?”

“ I don’t feel.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Shut up.”

There was a pause before Virgil continues.  “You know, there’s nothing illogical about emotions, right?” Logan turns to him now, quizzically staring up at the younger side.  “If you get good marks on a test, is it illogical to feel proud?”

“…”

“If you fail the test is it illogical to feel sad, or angry that you didn’t do more?”

“… but that’s”

“No. Those emotions are yours. Roman focuses on the emotions around creating, Patton on the emotions of memories or doing the right thing. I emit emotions when Thomas gets out of dangerous situations or plucks up the courage to act. You? You emit emotions when Thomas exhibits and applies knowledge.”

Logan creases his brow and turns back to the pond.

Virgil continues to explain “I told Patton before when we were in his room. What you’re feeling is normal. If it wasn’t normal Thomas would have let us know at this point.” a pause. “So, how are you feeling?”

“…I was feeling angry. I was struggling to keep all these… feelings inside and then I just snapped. And now I was just sitting here and thinking, should I try to do what you did? Should I try and ‘duck out’?”

“Quack quack.”

Logan huffs in amusement “Yeah. That would be illogical, wouldn’t it? We’ve already discussed how Thomas can’t function without all of us, and as you said, if one of us wasn’t functioning properly he knows to just summon us and ask.”

Virgil pats him on the back “You’re getting there. Sometimes it feels like you should know everything. We’re a ‘mind’ after all, we should know what we have to do. But Thomas is still young. He still is trying to find himself, heck, I don’t think people ever stop ‘finding’ themselves. Discovering these new things about yourself Logan. It’s fine. What you need to do is roll with the punches a little better. Adapt. The real world isn’t just numbers.”

Logan pauses again and rises in order to sit up straight “Well technically the brain is like a giant supercomputer, constant data travelling around as electricity through the neurons, so actually the world can be interpreted as just numbers, and…” He stops.

“What is it?”

“You… didn’t interrupt me.”

Virgil smiles “It’s nice to have you back Logan.”

Logan returns the smile “Thank-you. All I was going to say is that, well I guess emotions are just releases of specific chemicals. Which I guess makes it science. So I guess that makes feelings… cool.”

”There you go.”

”Although technically the chemicals would still be at homeostatic temperatures, meaning they are neither cool nor hot just… normal.”

”Whatever you say, buddy.” Virgil stands up “I won’t drag you home straight away, but don’t fret and stay out here too long, alright?”

”No need for concern Virgil.”

Virgil turns and walks away, Logan returns his gaze to the ducks. A single tear rolls down his face. But that’s fine.

**

**You said “quack.” Three times. Are you mad?**

Virgil covers his face with his palm. He breathes heavily as sweat rolls down his forehead. _‘I know. I know. I’m too tired to use a filter anymore…. And that’s only a third of the problems solved.’_


	7. Chapter 7

Virgil lets out a yawn as he closes the front door behind him. Despite the heaviness of his body he still brings himself to smile at the thought of Logan’s satisfied face. He removes his coat and boots as he continues that line of thought.  _‘He really liked those ducks. The nice calming sound of the water rippling. The light paddling… of the… webbed feet… the gent… gentle breeze…’_

__ _**‘Wake up.’** _

Virgil slaps himself so hard he lets out a yelp, though he attempts to smother it in fear that the other would hear. He sighed rubbing his cheek and made his way up the stairs to deal with his next mess.

***

Papers. Papers everywhere.  

Roman was frantically pacing his room muttering to himself, clipboard in hand and furiously scribbling. For every minute he wrote he would spend 30 seconds scrunching the paper, throwing it to the floor and muttering to himself.

“How about…. No Tolkien did that once. We could make the antagonist…. No Roman that happens in like every sci-fi film ever! But… we… ARGH, why has everyone else taken all the original ideas!”

”I didn’t know you could write chicken scratch.”

Roman gave a high-pitched scream as he turned to see Virgil, whose eyes were scanning a un-scrunched piece of paper, on his bed. Well, what was his lovely, ‘Princey’ bed. It had now been replaced with a creaky wooden single bed with a tattered blanket and hay-stuffed mattress. His creativity was really out of control.

“Not sure I love what you’ve done to the room though.” Virgil continued.

Roman breathed out before declaring “Calm down there 30 seconds to bore. And how exactly did you weasel your way into my room?”

”The door was open.”

”Ah.”

“Well, now that you’re here you can have the pleasure of getting up and leaving. I have work to do.”

”Drop the act, Roman.” Virgil stated

Roman was slightly taken aback by the straight-to-the-point tone. His eyes narrowed “I’m not apologising to Logan.”

“Why’s that? Logan seemed like he was willing to apologise to you.”

”What? When?”

”When I went to speak to him”

The Prince huffed “Well he ought to. He almost damaged my beautiful face.”

”I think you were more concerned about him damaging something else.”

”And what is that?”

”Your pride”

“SHUT IT!” Roman yelled “What right do you have to talk about pride? All you do is slink in the shadows like a rat. I’m trying to make dreams happen people! Why don’t you all realise that?”

Virgil gave him no reaction. He simply stared at him. For some reason that infuriated Roman more.

”I just called you a rat! Aren’t you mad? Or are emotions embargoed today? What is wrong with people? Do I…. am I” Roman drops to his knees “Does anything I say matter anymore?”

Virgil paused for a second before continuing “Lies are a pretty powerful tool. You haven’t been shy about using them before. When Thomas misinterpreted your Christmas saying. When Deceit had you tricked.”

Roman’s eyes looked up, tears forming. Virgil swallowed dryly, trying not to feel guilt from his words “You’re so insistent on keeping the real world and fantasy separate because you don’t want to deal with the horror of the real world. You lie to yourself to keep this… duality intact” Virgil stood up “You want to live in a utopia of rainbows and happiness and everything gay.” He walked over to him “That’s really admirable, but you think you need to do that by yourself.” He knelt down and embraced Roman “You have a family. Roman. You’re lucky to have one. Ask for help.”

Roman suddenly reciprocated the hug, sobbing uncontrollably onto Virgil’s shoulder. “I just…just… want to be important.Not just recognized as important but… actually”

“You are important Roman.”

“No, it’s not the same. You keep Thomas away from present or future danger, Patton keeps him on the right track. Lo-Logan gives him real-world information. What do I do that’s on that level?”

“Creativity is the centre of everything that Thomas does. Without being able to perform or sing he would. He wouldn’t feel complete. Yeah, we keep on the right track, but you are his goal. The destination. We all look to you to understand what Thomas needs.”

A sudden ring in Virgil’s ears stopped whatever he was going to say next, as he looks around he sees that the previous room of a pauper has been transformed into more modest accommodation.  _‘Progress. Good’_

Roman left out a little sniffle. “But I don’t even seem to be doing that right! I can’t even find a creative way to write this story.”

Virgil broke from the hug and put a hand on Roman’s shoulder. “That’s what we’re for. Sure I said that we a look to you to understand, but that’s a two-way street. Or a four-way street. If you need help then looking back, coming to us, can be of real help.”

Roman paused for a second before picking up his clipboard again. He looked thoughtfully at the pages and then handed them to Virgil. Virgil hesitated slightly but accepted the clipboard. He began to read while Roman looked on expectantly. There were moments where Virgil’s fatigue blurred the words and he had to really concentrate in order to read.  

“Your brow is furrowed. Is it that bad?”

“What? Oh no!” Virgil stammered “I was just thinking is all. It seems of relative quality to all your other work, so what is getting you so frustrated about it?”

“Well, that’s it! They are all the same” Roman waved his hands around “I want something different.”

Virgil took another thoughtful glance “Well… how about looking at it from another perspective. Perhaps it could be the same story but told from the perspective of a villager watching the heroics happen.”

Roman nodded and offered for Virgil to continue

“Or you know, the hero could not be a Prince, or be part of some prophecy, it could be someone different, someone, who doesn’t even realise they’re the hero.”

Roman stroked his chin. “The hero doesn’t have to be the Prince… Just like the villain doesn’t have to be the dark angsty loner.”

Virgil smirked in bewilderment “Was. Was that supposed to be a compli-”

Suddenly there was a bright light and the toll of a huge bell. As the flashbang faded Virgil found that Roman’s room was now in its usual state. Roman himself was now bouncing around, smoke coming from the pen as he wrote on the clipboard he had snatched back

“That’s it!” He sang “I have had a wonderful idea. It’s marvellous, bear with me as I write it down!”

Virgil smiled and stood up. He began to brush his knees clean before Roman glomped him.

“I owe you an apology, Virgil. I was a terrible older brother and an awful friend. Thanks so much for helping me! You even tried to be physically affectionate and matter-of-factly, and you hate that!”

“Haha. It’s okay Princey, everybody makes mistakes…” Roman then began humming Hannah Montana “…and never mind. You’re terrible.”

“Chill, Fail out Boy.” He snickered. “I…need to learn not to shut people out like that. I need the inspiration to function, and I need people to be inspired. A hero is nothing without his comrades after all!” He was then struck by a sudden thought “Oh. I need to apologise to Logan, and Patton too. Oh, I was so unprincely this morning!”

“It’s fine. Logan isn’t back yet and Patton still hasn’t cooled off”

There was a pause. “He was angry?”

“Well, he definitely wasn’t happy”

“Well, that isn’t good. I’ll have to make it up to him later.”

“Yeah, please do. I’m gonna talk to him now. Just focus on the story for a bit.” Virgil turned towards the door.

“Virgil, wait!” Roman called after him. Virgil turned to him with a puzzled look.

“Are…are you alright? You seem really tired, and you were completely out of it this morning”

Virgil panicked for a second.

_‘Not yet. Just one more.’_

He smiled “Just didn’t get enough sleep. I’m fine.”

_**‘You mean no sleep. You didn’t get any.’** _

Roman tilted his head doubtingly. But nodded in response “Well, alright. Thanks again Virge.”

“No problem damsel. See you later.”


	8. Chapter 8

Virgil made his way down the corridor. At this point, he was finding it difficult to even walk in a straight line. This was all too emotionally draining for him, and being in Roman’s room which was filled with such… positivity and idealism, it wasn’t helping his disposition.

He had to pause for a moment and keep himself upright by leaning on the wall. Four. Seven. Eight. Focus. Almost there.

_‘Do this and go to sleep. That’s all.’_

He gathers his remaining strength and continues the walk down to Patton’s room. His door was decorated with different photos and childish stickers, but despite the positive outlook, Virgil could feel the negative energy seeping through the cracks of the door. It was almost too perfect an analogy for his moral friend.

Despite his fears, he bolsters the courage and enters the room

It’s dark. Much darker than Virgil’s ever seen it. He’s seen it pretty bad before. When Virgil and Patton realised that they had similar concerns they made the habit of ‘hanging out,’ which consisted of them sitting in Patton’s room and talking about their issues.

“Patton?” Virgil calls.

There’s an eerie pause “Go away kiddo. You’re the last person I want to see.”

The venomous accusation made Virgil flinch. He sunk in himself a bit as it dawned on him that he hadn’t really thought of a strategy for this. With Logan he needed to direct him to arrive at his own conclusion before affirming the issues, Roman needed the problem outwardly stated. Patton though, Patton has never been this mad at him, he’s not sure how to tackle this.

Breathing slowly Virgil made his way to the end of the bed. He sat on the floor, back leaned against the frame. He then looked towards Patton, who was curled into himself in the centre of the carpet.

“I said go away.”

“No. I won’t.”

Patton shot up quickly and stared daggers at Virgil.

“So now you want to talk? Where were you earlier? Logan and Roman could have used hearing you.”

“They could have, and they have now. They’ve both calmed down.”

“So what? Was I your last priority here?”

“No. I just knew you wouldn’t listen to me until they were okay. That’s just who you are.”

“I’m really not as nice as you make me out to be. You’re not as nice as you make yourself out to be.”

Now Patton was on his feet and storming over to Virgil. He stood directly in front of him and waited for Virgil to stand. When Virgil complied Patton grabbed him by the hoodie and dragged him closer. Virgil could distinctly see Patton’s features. His eyes were sharp, narrow and vibrating in rage. They were also bloodshot and his skin was covered in blotches. The pang in Virgil’s heart only grew stronger.

“So why didn’t you interject before?” Patton questioned “Did you want this? A little squabble that you could resolve and be the hero of?”

“..no.” Virgil tried to answer back. He could feel tears prick his eyes.

“Shut up! This is all your fault.” Patton spat.

“It is.” Virgil was too tired to hold back the floodgates any longer. The tears cascaded down his face “I’m so sorry Patton.”

“You…you.” Patton tried to begin, but his eyes began to soften. Then moisten “It’s not you…. This was all my fault.”

He let out a few sobs and removed his glasses in an attempt to wipe the tears away. “Oh. God kiddo… I’m so sorry.”

Virgil’s lip quivered before he dragged Patton into a hug “It’s not your fault Patton. You tried to stop them. I didn’t do a thing”

Both of their knees began to shake and they dropped to the floor. At this point neither could string together a sentence as the sobs took over. Virgil could feel a headache overtake his mind due to the dehydration, but despite his efforts, he couldn’t stop wailing into Patton, and the same seemed true for his friend.

“I…. I” After five minutes Patton attempted to restart the conversation “I… wasn’t strong enough Virgil. They wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Your strength has nothing to do with it Patton” Virgil rebuked “When they told you to shut up, you instantly blamed the entire situation on yourself.”

Patton stared at Virgil intently, shocked by the sudden analysis but beckoning Virgil to give him the answer.

“You. You didn’t recognise the problems that the two of them were struggling with, you thought you were the only issue.”

“What do you mean?” Patton asked “What problems?”

Virgil then explained the conversations he had with Roman and Logan. The issues they were having and how that escalated the situation. Patton just knelt there in total silence. It was only after Virgil had finished explaining that Patton whispered

“You noticed all that? Wow, I really am insensitive.”

“No? No Patton that’s not the point I was making!” Virgil recoiled suddenly “It’s just that you always assume you’re the only flawed person. And that means anything bad you pin on yourself.”

Patton paused thoughtfully “So you’re saying… if I’d recognised that the argument had… deeper roots, if I hadn’t tried to play it off like I tried too, with jokes and dilution, it might have ended up differently?”

Virgil sighed “I can’t say for certain that Logan wouldn’t have ended up throwing that plate. But I can say that your own state of mind would have benefitted from it.”

Patton looked down dejectedly, processing the new information “It looks… like I still have a lot to learn.” He placed a hand on Virgil’s shoulder “While I was in here, by myself, all the memories of when Thomas… trusted someone he shouldn’t and got hurt by it. It made me think that I.. was the problem. That’s why I tried to shut you out. Why… why I tried to make you hate me.”

“I could never hate you Patton” Virgil interjected, “Besides, it didn’t take you long to break that facade.”

Patton chuckled a little. “I guess I really don’t have the… heart for it.”

_‘Can I sleep now?’_

Virgil smirked softly “Are you feeling better now Patton?”

“Maybe not perfect, but yeah. Better.”

_‘no’_

The thought struck Virgil suddenly, keeping Patton in here too long would be a problem. Which means he needs to get him out. Which means his job isn’t entirely done yet.

_‘No, please, let….let me sleep.’_

“Virgil, are you alright?” Patton asked

“Yeah… I was just thinking. Since breakfast was ruined how about we make family dinner? We still need to make sure Roman and Logan apologise properly after all.”

Patton clapped his hands in excitement. “That’s a great idea kiddo. Oh, there’s this new pasta recipe I’ve wanted to try. Let’s go! Let’s go!”

Patton dragged Virgil up to his feet. The sudden movements made Virgil’s head spin and he felt as though he was about to vomit. But he held his nerve and allowed himself to be dragged down the corridor by Patton.

**‘It’s your curse, you placed it on yourself. Buck it up and make them happy. For once…’**


	9. Chapter 9

Roman’s sighed as the last piece of scrunched paper was picked up and put into the bin bag. His room was now as impeccable as his talent and face. He had spent the last hour re-writing his story and it had progressed so much further than he originally planned. He had therefore decided to discard the rest of the mess in some sort of ritualistic cleansing. He hadn’t felt this bright and cheery for the longest time, and who’d have thought it would be down to angstzilla.

Roman chuckled to himself and decided to make his way downstairs in order to bring the bin out back. He was extremely peckish as he had missed both breakfast and lunch. He made his way down the stairs when his ears were struck with familiar chatter and music. He leaned over the bannister and peered down. Both Virgil and Patton were in the kitchen, conversing lightly as steam wafted from the stove. Patton was cheerfully chopping vegetables while Virgil was washing their used dishes. As Virgil turned towards Patton he caught the sight of the prince. The anxious side smiled and moved his head in a beckoning fashion.

With a large gulp. Roman continued his way down the flight of stairs. He coughed lightly before speaking sheepishly “Greetings friend-o-rinos.”

Patton spun around with lightning speed “Roman Roman Roman Romaaaan!” he continued his chant as he bolted out of the kitchen and gave him a hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay!”

Roman laughed “Oh. you shouldn’t have had to worry about that Patton, and I should be apologising to you. The way I snapped at you, and the way I had run off afterwards, it was simply… un-manly.”

“That’s okay. I should apologise too, I should have realised that both you and Logan were struggling with other things, I tried to treat it like it was nothing.”

Roman coughed lightly “Well, although I feel you have no need to do so, I accept your apology, I also have thought of a way to make it up to you.”  
  


Patton tilted his head in confusion before looking down to see that Roman had manifested two puppies in his arms. Virgil stifled a yawn and smiled peacefully in the background. He called out:

“Roman- I know I can’t say anything bad about this situation but yo-”

“Commence excited dad squealing.”

“-wait what?”

Patton began screaming and jumping around in excitement. His arms flapping wildly. He soon scooped a puppy and let it lick his face, all the while he was laughing maniacally.

Virgil sighed as he massaged the temples near his ears. His exhausted state was not equipped for loud noises “Never mind. I’ve found a bad thing about this scenario.”

“Virgil come hug the puppy!” Patton yelled as he bounded towards the kitchen

“Don’t bring the puppy in the kitchen! We’re cooking in here.” Virgil responded, causing Patton to halt in his tracks.

Patton snickered “Geez kiddo, we should make it a  **dog’s dinner**.”

“Noo.”

“Come on Virgil, It’s a  **pawsome**  idea.”

“By Artemis’ bow Patton, stop.”

“Not you too Roman! It’s your fault for un **leash** ing ****the hounds”

“Patton just put the pasta on.”

“Don’t be a  **bi** -”

“OKAY! Dogs are gone” Roman declared with a click of his fingers. Patton let out a disappointed sigh and sulked back to the kitchen to carry on cooking. Roman exited quickly to put the rubbish out and then returned.

“What are you cooking by the way?” Roman asked as he returned.

“Mushroom Alfredo with salad and garlic bread” Virgil muttered.

“Virgil decided to make family dinner to make up for this morning” Patton explained.

Roman gave Virgil a concerned glance but when the other side didn’t notice the exchange he continued:

“Ah, but how can we have a family dinner if Mr Pointy as a Compass hasn’t returned?”

“Well, that problem has already been rectified, Dro-man.”

The three sides turned towards the door to see Logan in the doorway, a small smile on his face.

“LOOOOOGGGAAANNNN!” Patton screamed once more, he ran out of the kitchen (again) to embrace Logan. “You’re back!”

Logan gave out a little chuckle “Yes, Patton. Thank-you for the warm welcome.” Virgil called out from the kitchen:

“How are you feeling, Logan?”

Logan huffed as his lips curled up “I feel.. Contented, as well as happy to be home.” He then turned to Roman.

Roman let out a little-confused moan, attempting to find his words “Um, sorry about the compass thing just then.”

“It’s fine Roman, but I-”

“No. no. I think we both now understand that we were… not in the right frame of mind. Let’s just move on Higgs-Bozo.”  
  


“Did you just apologise for calling me names and then proceed to call me-?”

“Enough enough!” Patton yelled “If there is still a feud we’re gonna sit and talk it out like a family. Got it?”

Logan and Roman both stared at Patton in astonishment, then all three burst out in laughter. Virgil looked on again from the kitchen. He was glad that everything had been resolved, though he wished someone would help him with the food. He wasn’t the best at cooking even when he was fully conscious

“Virgil, I can smell the sauce burning!”  
  


“Godammit.”

**

It was half an hour into dinner and everyone was chatting happily. Virgil was attempting to join in on the conversation when he could, he feared that if he remained silent the event of this morning would repeat themselves.

“…and then at the end, it turns out it’s not even the villager who was the chosen hero.” Roman was narrating his story to the others “But his young infant brother who he was travelling with the entire time!”

“Ohhhhh” Patton clapped in glee “That sounds awesome Roman, how’d you come up with that?”

“Well…” he scratched the back of his head in embarrassment “If Virgil hadn’t offered me his perspective I would still probably be stuck.”

All heads turned to Virgil who’s face suddenly flushed red in embarrassment “I really didn’t do that much” he stammered.

“Nonsense. You helped us all today Virgil, and we owe you our thanks” Logan interjected. “I also realised you are the only one I’ve yet to apologise to. I’m very sorry if I scared you this morning.”

“No, you didn’t scare my Logan, I was completely-” he stopped himself, rather not wanting to draw attention to his behaviour “I was just in complete shock at the noise.”

“I guess loud noises would trigger an anxious response.” Logan used “But you dealt with it all by yourself, I assume you’re also responsible for cleaning up the mess I made?”

Both Roman and Patton turned to the wall where the plate had been thrown, and then back to Virgil, eyebrows raised in realisation.

“I mean, yeah… but again, no biggie.”

“Great Orpheus! You really have been busy today!” Roman boomed, a proud smile on his face. “Well, that settles it, the rest of the night shall be dedicated to you, my fair friend.”

Virgil grimaced.  _‘Please no big event, let’s just go to bed, please… please.’_  He withheld a gentle sob before answering Roman

“It’s not necessary, really. So long as you guys have learned something today I’m happy.”

“OHHHhhhhh aren’t you just so precious.” Patton coddled. He reached over and began to pinch Virgil’s cheeks. “You’re a little cutie patootie.”

“Oh my god. Stop. Pattooooon” Virgil moaned. The other two simple laughed at the exchange and the night continued smoothly

**

It was 10:00 pm when the sides broke off for the night. Patton had wanted to stay up longer for a movie but Logan advised that rest was necessary after such a hectic day.

‘I’m so close. Almost done.’ Virgil pumped himself up as he walked up the stairs.

“Sweet dreams, friendos!” Roman called as he entered his room, which was closest to the stairs

_‘Almost there’_

“I wish you a pleasant rest” Logan added as he entered his next.

_‘I’m so close.’_

Patton gave a quick hug to Virgil “Thanks again kiddo, have a swell night.” And soon he too entered his room.

**_‘My room, get to the room.’_ **

Virgil continued the trek down to the end of the hall. He opened his door and didn’t bother to switch the light on, he simply closed the door behind him, sank to the floor and began to cry.

_‘It’s over. Oh my god I’m so tired. It’s finally over!’_

**_‘Shut up and go to sleep, you fool.’_ **


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super short, But that's just because I just didn't want to stick this scene at the beginning of the next chapter or at the end of the last one, it works best as a standalone thing I think

Eyes closed.

 

 

 

 

No sound.

 

 

 

 

Complete darkness.

 

 

 

_‘Please.’_

 

 

 

_‘Why?’_

 

 

 

**_‘Why?’_ **

 

 

_‘I         just        want        to          sleep.’_

 

 

_**‘I bEg Of YoU. just let me rest….’** _

 

Virgil’s mind began to swirl, it felt as though his brain was pulsating against his skull. It had been two hours since he’d returned to his room and all he wanted. Was. to. Sleep.

Soon it felt like his mind fogged. He didn’t struggle against the sensation, albeit it’s scariness.

Sleep.

 

 

 

_‘Sleep.’_

 

 

 

 

_**‘sLeEp.’** _

 

 

 

 

 

 

His heart stopped.

Virgil once again jolted awake from his near-death state, his fingers felt heavy and hollow, he attempted to scream but no sound came out.  _‘Why, what’s wrong with me? am I ill? Am I broken?’_

He placed his hands on the back of his head and brought it to his knees. He wailed uncontrollably. There was something wrong, and he needed to find out what.

He let out some sudden gasps in order to cease the tears. Once they had settled slightly he leaned down and he grabbed his laptop from the floor. He eyes winced as the bright screen turned on, but once he was accustomed to it he typed in his password and brought up the browser

“heart stopinf wen falling askeep”

Luckily Google was able to translate his exhausted attempt at typing. Virgil stared at the top result:

“Heart Failure: Sleep Apnoea.”

He clicked on the tab and read the article. The first image alarmed him as it was an illustration of a man with an oxygen mask, he gulped but continued ‘Central sleep apnea. This type is caused by a problem with how the brain signals the breathing muscles. This more rare form of sleep apnea is the type most often related to heart failure.’ 

Virgil’s entire body stiffened as he read the passage. There was something wrong with his brain? How was that possible? Was he hurting Thomas because of this?

He tried typing something else.

“Sleep appoae an anxeity”

“Stress and anxiety may cause sleeping problems or make existing problems  **worse**.”

 

 

**_‘Worse’_ **

 

 

 

“Worse?”

Is he making Thomas’ anxiety worse by being this way? At this point, Virgil couldn’t stop the tears. He wanted to be a part of this, a part of Thomas. To work with the others and to make things better. But is that going to be possible now?

**‘No. You don’t have a choice.’**

 

_‘I can’t live without sleep’_

 

**‘This is your curse. This is your fault. Learn to live without it.’**

 

_‘But-’_

 

**‘Do it.’**

 

Virgil relented and stared up from the screen in determination. He stared at the alarm clock. 2.17 a.m. He must have zoned out for a little while. He let out a sigh and grabbed his blanket from his bed. He certainly wasn’t going to be able to stay awake in here. He wiped the tears from his eyes and made his way downstairs, perhaps there are some mind-numbing TV programmes he could watch.


	11. Chapter 11

When Patton opened his door at 7:30 he was greeted by a sheepish looking Logan and Roman.

“Woah. You guys scared me! What are you  **Roman’**  around here for Logan?”

Roman snorted to the side while Logan grimaced lightly before gathering his composure. “Well…. We know that breakfast is your job. But we thought it would be nice for you to have some company while you cook.”

“So Logan and I decided to be your fabulous breakfast entourage!” Roman declared dramatically.

Patton let out a little giggle and beamed at the others “Awww you guys are just the best. Let’s  **pan** out this breakfast together!”

This time both of the other sides groaned as Patton began skipping down the hall. He paused for a moment as he reached the stairs “Oh yeah! Shouldn’t we invite Virgil to join us?”

“Ah, well I had suggested that to Roman but he thought that would be a poor idea.”

Patton puffed his cheeks out at Roman, which caused the side to shake his hands defensively “Ah no no. It’s not like that puffball! He just seemed so tired yesterday that I figured he would enjoy sleeping-in.”

Patton exhaled and let out a smile “Oookaaay, that’s fair! Let’s go let’s go!”

Roman let out a sigh and the three proceeded down the stairs.

**

When Roman saw Virgil sitting on the sofa he felt a pit in his stomach.

“Virgil? Good morning, but what are you doing up already?” Logan quizzed the younger side.

No response.

Virgil was not even huddled in blankets this time. He had a single blanket draped around his shoulders. His hair was matted and sticking in every direction. The circles around his eyes seemed even darker than they were yesterday and the eyes themselves were hardly open.

All three sides looked on in concern.

_**‘Don’t let them know’** _

“Bre-breakfast.” Virgil finally responded.

“Oh, um… sure thing kiddo, I’ll get on that now!” Patton answered. He gave the others a worried look before making his way to the kitchen.

**

Logan and Roman spent their time talking to Patton as he worked in the kitchen. Both sides took turns in giving careful glances back over to Virgil ‘I can’t fall asleep’. After 30 minutes Virgil’s head soon began to droop and the next time Logan turned around, he had fallen to his side  _ **‘NO SLEEP!** noo… sleeep’_. Logan got up to peer over the sofa, Virgil was now sleeping soundly.

“He dropped down like a bag of bones, huh?.” Roman murmured to Logan

“He’s more like nap-iers bones.” Logan replied

The other two stared at him in confusion

“You know, Napier’s bones? The effective method of long multiplication whereby you draw a squar-”

“Alright. We get it, you’re smart” Roman interrupted as Patton let out a little laugh.

“But why do you think he was up so early?” Patton pondered “I mean, Roman was definitely right about him being tired… so why?”

Logan pause for a moment as he returned to his seat on the table “Perhaps something is bothering him? It might be prudent to ask him when he wakes up. For now, we should try to be as quiet as possible.”

“Well, he certainly is cute when he isn’t frowning.” Roman teased. He leaned over the sofa and brought his hand to Virgil’s cheek to give him a gentle prod “Don’t tell him I sa-”

Logan saw Roman’s shoulders tense “Roman, is there something wrong?”

“…He’s not breathing.”

 

“What?”  
  


“He’s not breathing!” Roman shouted, he vaulted over the sofa and knelt beside Virgil. “Virgil! VIRGIL! Wake up!”

Patton and Logan ran to the sofa. Just as they did, Virgil shot up and began coughing and spluttering. Roman began rubbing his back, whispering soothingly.

All three knew the drill when Virgil was having an attack, so Logan decided to deploy the usual plan.

“Patton, can you get him some water?” Logan requested. Patton who had tears pricking his eyes swallowed and nodded. Logan knelt beside Roman “Alright Virgil. You know what to do. Breathe in for four, hold it for seven, release for eight. There we go, keep going.”  
  


Virgil’s breathing finally came down to a normal pace. Patton handed him a glass of water, which he accepted and greedily drank. With a gasp, he placed the glass down and stared up at the other sides.

_‘I can’t hide this anymore’_

_**‘You’re so weak.’** _

‘…Kiddo?” Patton stammered, he sat next to him and held onto his hands. Virgil directed his attention to him. He sounded emotionally exhausted and Virgil could tell he hadn’t fully recovered from yesterday.

**‘And you’re only making things worse’**

“Buddy, what just happened?”

Virgil cast down his eyes and swallowed dryly “I….I…”

“Let me rephrase that” Roman suddenly cut in. Virgil jumped at the sudden noise and turned towards the creative side, his eyes had narrowed while his fists were gripped white. “Virgil. How long has it been since you’ve slept properly?”

At this point, Virgil knew he had no choice. “It’s… been a few weeks since I’ve slept a healthy amount without waking up. I haven’t slept at all for the past two days though.”

Patton let out a soft gasp and Virgil winced at such raw concern. Logan readjusted his glasses and then continued the line of questioning. “Did this happen during those nights? Do you stop breathing in your sleep?”

Virgil nodded. “I think… it’s sleep apnoea.”

“That would be probable.” Logan let out a snort of indignation.

“Now, Logan.” Patton put his hand on the logical sides back.

Virgil saw that each side now had a hard look on their faces “Are…are you all mad?”

“Oh, of course not.” Logan continued,  _‘was that sarcasm?’_  “You have simply been bottling up all your feelings…”

“…Not asking your family for help…” Roman continued.

“…and then blamed yourself for everything.” Patton finished.

Virgil stared at the other sides for a minute, _‘how were they able to finish each other’s sentences?’_ Then it dawned on him.

“…crap.”

Patton ruffled his hair and gave him a sad smile “Practice what you preach next time kiddo.”

“Why didn’t you ask for help Virgil?” Logan inquired.

“I was scared… scared that there was no way to fix this. That if I accepted it, Thomas may end up developing it…I didn’t know what to do, what if he had to be hooked to one of those oxygen thingies?”

Roman looked at Patton and mouthed ‘oxygen thingies,’ in response Patton simply shrugged

“A compressor? Virgil, those are only for dire cases. Presumably, your sleep apnoea is down to stress, there are plenty of home remedies for it.”

Virgil looked up, he realised that he hadn’t even attempted to research cures last night. “Th..there is?”

“Yes. For instance, if it is your airway getting blocked then having your head raised higher may be beneficial, you only have one pillow, bar your cat cushion, on your bed, correct?”

Virgil nodded.

Patton squealed “Ohhhhh you can use some of my pillows. I have way too many!”

“Thanks, dad.” Virgil smiled genuinely.

“Breathing exercises like meditation or yoga could also help your respiratory system. Or you could take up a wind instrument or sport.”

“Ah! We could become yoga confidants” Roman declared “I practice it before going to bed. I also have some incense you could borrow to do meditation.”

“Guys…” Virgil croaked.

“The incense is a good idea Roman. Having a different stimulus while sleeping is good for those with sleep apnoea. I also have some soothing playlists that I can download for you. I’ll also do some further research if these measures aren’t successful, and- oh Virgil” Logan stopped himself as he saw Virgil was now crying uncontrollably.

Patton knelt down and wiped away the tears “No need for happy tears Virge, we’re here for you.” Virgil looked up to see all three of them were also crying.

“Haha. look who’s talking.”

All four laughed heartily, and Virgil’s presumed broken heart began to swell.

**

Virgil could see the sunset shine behind the back of the curtains. The room had been cast in darkness all day as Roman announced a day of respite. All three of the other sides were huddled next to him, covered in blankets and sleeping on the sofa. Virgil had fallen asleep for a good few hours, the vigilant guard of his family meant that he felt safe and secure.

**_‘Do you deserve this though?’_ **

_‘Yes. I do.’_

**_‘…’_ **

Virgil had learnt a valuable lesson. He was his greatest critic. He felt as though he had to ensure the others’ happiness over his own because he was problematic. But everyone has problems and, although learning to deal with this new condition, he knew it wasn’t something that he had to suffer alone with.

He now stared at his family’s peaceful faces and he smiled genuinely

“…geez. I love you guys.”


End file.
